Moo
by Raven Wings
Summary: *COMPLETED* Weirdness. This is a short 'n' silly fic to help me overcome writers block. Basically, it's a meal at the X-Mansion, and one poor X-Man gets picked on for his choice in meals...


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DISCLAIMER: Well, if you want to believe the X-Men are mine, you are welcome too. I won't stop you. But give me your e-mail address so I can laugh my ass off at you. (In case you haven't guessed by now, they don't belong to me). Twinkies don't belong to me either. I have yet to see a Twinkie here in Australia, though I know what they are, so I don't know who Twinkies belong to. I just know they aren't mine.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is based on something that happened in real life. Me picking on a friend of mine was the inspiration. So this is dedicated to Jess- Stab it sweetie. Stab it. Teehee. 

"That is revolting." Ororo said, eyeing Logan's plate in disgust. "How can you eat that?"

Logan shrugged, and shoveled another forkful of the red meat into his mouth. A shred got caught on his teeth, and dangled out of his mouth. "Dunno, darlin'. I guess a big boy like me needs his protein."

"How can you say that's getting protein? That cow is still alive!" Ororo cried out, her face going as green as the vegetarian meal in front of her. 

"Ororo's raht, shugah." Rogue said in a practical voice from her seat at the X-Dining Table. "Any moment now, that cow is just goin' to look up at us and say 'Moo!'"

Logan glared at her, and took a big bite out of his near raw steak. A puddle of blood was forming on his plate. "It is cooked, ya know."

"What did you do, leave it in the sun for half an hour, and then declare it was cooked?" Bobby asked, glaring at Logan's meal. He leant across the table, and rested his chin on it so that he was eye level with the steak. "Hi, Buttercup. Or is it Daisy?"

Logan bopped him over the head. "Stop talking to my steak!"

"Well that's something I've never heard before." Warren muttered from the end of the table.

Logan turned on him. "I bet you eat birdseed! I don't comment on your meals, so don't say anything 'bout mine, got it?"

There was silence at the table for a few moments, except for the occasional clinking of cutlery against a plate. Then, Remy murmured to Rogue, "Moo."

Rogue had just taken a big mouthful of Coke, and started to laugh, snorting the beverage across the table and splattering Jubilee. 

"Oh my lord! My new jacket!" Jubilee yelled in distress, abandoning her reheated pizza and running upstairs.

"Ah'm sorry, shugah!" Rogue called out, before slapping Remy. "Swamp Rat, that wasn't very nice!"

Remy grinned at her cheekily. "Moo."

The people around the table began to giggle, and Logan glared at them all. "Not my problem you lot don't appreciate a good meal." He grumbled, viciously stabbing his steak.

"Logan, stop attacking that cow. It's cruelty to animals." Betsy mock admonished him, a smirk on her face.

Logan made a valiant effort to ignore her. The rest of the X-Men just saw this as an opportunity to pick on him even more about his taste in meals. 

"So, Logan, esteemed colleague of mine- is it true that you can still taste the grass?"

"Where ya a vampire in another life, shugah?"

"Did you even bother to skin it before tossing it on a plate?"

"Would you like a glass of milk? I'm sure your friend can provide."

"I can still see it's big, brown eyes staring at me..."

"Dat steak just moved, mon amie! I t'ink it's got a tail!"

"Here, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy...I'll give you a nice cow treat, Daisy..."

"I thought it's name was Buttercup?"

"ENOUGH!" Logan roared, and all the X-Men jumped, looking startled. "I've had it! The cow is dead- I checked first. I can not taste the grass, and I don't like eyeballs. Especially big brown ones. And finally- NO ONE IS TO NAME MY MEAL!"

Dead silence. The X-Men were all looking rather sheepish. 

"Moo."

Everyone began giggling insanely again. 

"Who said that!?" Logan demanded. "Own up, ya big wussies! Cajun, was it you?"

Remy held up his hands in a gesture of innocence. "Tweren't moi."

At the head of the table, Professor Xavier's face was being strangely contorted, and the tips of his ears were going pink. 

Betsy looked at him funny. "Professor? Are you all right?"

Xavier nodded. "I'm fine!" He managed to say, voice squeaky.

Logan gave him the evil eye. "Chuck! It was you, wasn't it!"

Professor Xavier shook his bald head. "Now Logan, you know I wouldn't do something like that. I respect your taste in meals." He pretended to wipe his mouth with his napkin, really using it as an excuse for a quick chuckle. He cleared his throat. "It was Scott."

"What?" Scott asked. "Me? No way!"

It was too late. Logan was walking towards Scott's little kiddy table, which was set apart just for him, an evil gleam in his eyes. There was no stopping him now. Except-

"Moo."

Logan whipped around, and surveyed the X-Men. "Who was it that time?"

No reply.

"Maybe it was the meat?" Warren suggested, and everyone began to laugh.

Logan just stood there scanning for the culprit, when he noticed something odd. His steak was gone!

"Who took my cow- er, food!?" Logan yelled.

"Maybe the cow walked away?" Ororo suggested. "I would too in it's position. Sitting on a plate in front of a man with six steak knives in his hands."

"Why does no-one appreciate a good, rare meal?" Logan asked them all.

"Because that meal happens to be saturated in blood!" Jean said. "The cow was drowning!" 

More giggles, as Logan crouched down, searching under the table for his wayward meal. "This isn't funny." He threatened, crawling around on the floor.

"I thought it was." Hank muttered. "Finally, everyone has stopped teasing me about my Twinkie diet!" 

"Don't worry Hank, we'll start on you again tomorrow." Logan called from under the table. "I've already got a good one- if you eat one more Twinkie, you'll become one."

There was a roaring silence. 

"What?" Logan asked, emerging from his sojourn into the depths of the shadow of the big table, and moving onto Scott's kiddie table. "Yesterday, you'd have all been laughin' yer asses off at that!"

"We've evolved. We've moved on to cow jokes." Bobby said apologetically. "We're the Mark 2 version of Homo Superior."

There was a collective groan, which was interrupted by Logan's triumphant yell of "I've found it!"

Logan crawled out from under Scott's table, holding his steak, which had a thin layer of fuzz coating it. "I finally found it!"

"Umm, that's last week's steak." Betsy said. "Sorry. I had to move it there, I couldn't stand it's psychic pleas for mercy anymore."

Logan paused. "Really?"

Betsy slapped her forehead in mock exasperation. "No! Honestly, men are so dumb sometimes..."

"How did my food get under Scott's table?" Logan demanded of them all, choosing to ignore Betsy's comment. "And why does everyone have a problem with my food? I should be allowed to eat anything I like. Including this steak!"

"You do realize dat de steak has fur now?" Remy pointed out. "I don't know about you, mon amie, but I would not like ta eat anyt'ing dat is half alive, and has de fur to prove it."

With a growl of annoyance, Logan sat down at his seat again, and tore a chunk out of the steak. Chewing on it rebelliously, he eyed the other X-Men, daring them mentally to say one more word about his meal. Sensing this, the other X-Men remained silent, and continued eating. Satisfied that nothing more was going to be said, he began scraping some of the fluff off. 

Ororo wiped her mouth with her napkin, and discretely said, "Moo."

Logan's head shot up. "That's it! I'm sicka you people picken' on my steak. I'm leavin'!"

With that, he picked up his steak, and stormed out of the room. Everyone cracked up, and all simultaneously called out after him, "Moooooooooo!"

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LATER THAT NIGHT...

Giggling, Jean rummaged around under the mattress of her bed, and withdrew a crumpled piece of paper. She handed it to Rogue, who ticked something off on it. 

Ororo grabbed the paper out of Rogue's hand, and surveyed it. "So, now that we have Logan, the hardest, out of the way, who shall we pick on tomorrow?"

The other women in the room- Betsy, Jean and Rogue looked thoughtful for a moment. 

"It can't be Hank." Betsy said after a few seconds. "Because everyone already picks on him about his Twinkie fetish."

"How about my husband?" Jean suggested.

The other shook their heads. "Nah. It's too easy, what him already eaten' at the kiddy table an' all." Rogue said practically. "Ah think Wolverine was tha one that told us who ta pick. 'Member how he asked Warren if he ate birdseed?" 

The other women began to laugh, even Betsy.

"So, we begin tomorrow morning?" Ororo asked, and the others nodded. Laughing maniacally, they began their plot to bring Warren down...

THE END. 

Now, I know I may be able to write a sequel to this, with the women of the X-Mansion picking on all the other men, but I'm not going to. It ends here. This was just a quick fic to help me with the writers block I have at the moment. Someday, if I'm really really desperate, I may come back to this and write more. But I doubt it. 


End file.
